Cool Is As Cool Does

Is Barack Hussein Obama cool, or what?

Is it not the absolute coolest to have a cool president who goes on the cool late-night talk show circuit?  Is it not cooler than coolest that he can both field AND deliver jokes about uncool stuff?  THAT is cool over and above the Call of Chill.

And how cool is THIS?  From a cool platform like Jay Leno’s stage in Burbank, adjacent to Hollywood, America’s uber-cool First Black President was able to share with a dispirited nation that his uber-pampered but uber-uber-cool daughters actually upped the ante on Chief Executive Cool by remaining unfazed by their aerial-tour, big-shot arrival in our nation’s capitol . . . focusing instead on whether the airborne presidential candy dish contains Starbursts.  [Plug for Mars, Incorporated here.]

[Political/Economic/Moral Sidebar-Slash-Disclaimer here, re: candy and pet food manufacturer Effem Foods (Thailand) Co., Ltd., "one of Mars, Incorporated's fastest growing businesses."]

People who object to off-color jokes about the Special Olympics are, in a word, uncool.  Uncool people need to lighten up and remember that Barack Obama DOES bowl funny and that the Special Olympics crowd probably ALSO bowls funny.  Just like they run funny, right?  Honesty bein’ the best policy and America bein’ fired up about change, if anything, our cool president makes it cool to be uncool — how cool is THAT?

People who think it is uncool for even a cool president to be brushing up on his crappy bowling skillz while the country he ostensibly leads is mired in war and depression are not only uncool, but unfun.  They likely did not crack so much as a smile when the Commander of Cool joked that, if b-ballers are throwing games in his favor, it might not be on account of His Royal Can-Jump Highness but, rather, in consideration of all those gun-wielding Secret Service guys.  Shirts ‘n Skins, you betcha.  Do NOT think of the tennis-to-basketball court conversion at Camp David as tantamount to the redecoration of Citi Group executive offices.  Think of it as Community Outreach.

Ask not what your cool president can do for you but how you, yourselves, can become more cool.  

Do not think of Volunteerism as working for free while G-Men fly high and tax and fine and spend and fly high and tax and fine and spend and fly high and tax and fine and spend.  Think of Volunteerism as mainstream media send-us-yer-photos proof that you are too cool to care about money.  YOU can’t be bought, no sir-ee. 

THAT has GOT to be the coolest of the cool.  Suddenly, as by Black Magic, it doesn’t matter if we’re fat and lazy or hip and self-absorbed.  Thanks be to God/Allah and the Cool One, we are ALL lower-case cool for setting aside the multiplicity of concerns that typically bog down the office of the presidency . . . focusing instead on the coolness of uncool people in uncool countries finally GETTING how cool we really are.

Who cannot salute the caliber of Cool that gets a NATO Summit meeting “out of the way,” like a pesky chore on a suburban To Do list, so it can focus instead on the universally heartwarming and uplifting prospect of securing an elite breed of no-shed canine for the uber-uber-cool First Princesses?  When future generations review our comportment during this epically challenging time, let them know that we did NOT buy into the insidious rationalization that extraordinary circumstances warrant infringement on human and civil rights.  Let posterity see how even allergic American children, even in a Worse Depression, were not deprived of their right to animal ownership.    

Cool is internationally IN and finally, thankfully, WE are cool.  

It just doesn’t get any cooler than that.

Fist bumps all around.