Batter UP!

On a board of supposedly libertarian persuasion, men are coming out of the woods rather than the closet to point out that, if Gays can get hitched, so ought Polygamists be free to step up to the Marriage Plate, oftener. Perfectly logical.  

It follows, however, particularly insofar as the Official Benefits bequeathed to marriage partners outweigh the Official Obligations foisted upon marriage partners, that Friends should also be free to seek the wholesome haven of Marriage.  What’s good for the Gays is good for the sitting ducks.

If Marriage will be expanded to include unions between homosexuals and bisexuals and souped-up sexuals, then our commitment to anti-discrimination not only obliges us to extend the social recognition and arbitrary perks of Marriage to ASEXUAL unions – as between Best Friends – but also to POLYANDRY.  Multiple husbands per wife.  Yee Haw. 

The marriage of Friends is straightforward, a quintessential no-brainer.  If society will suck up the conference upon unions featuring homosexual sex Whatever & All that marriage Officially signifies, then society is obliged to likewise confer Whatever & All that marriage Officially signifies upon unions featuring NO sex.  EZPZ.

In a patriarchal society, it can be guessed that Polyandry will present a greater psychological hurdle than Polygamy, in particular for the very men who are the most enthusiastic about incorporation of Polygamy into the social fabric.  It must be conceded that having multiple Special Someones DOES change the texture.  They may be quick to dismiss Polyandry as impracticable, given a sustained gender lopsidedness that disfavors women, in terms of the Marriage Racket, and that is continually aggravated by shipment of especially strong and brave breeders to be killed in places that many Americans would have trouble finding on a map.

Understandably, there will be concern that Polyandry could further stack the deck against single women, particularly spinsters and homely women, as Babes and Barbies snap up more than their “fair” share of husbands.  Fiddle de de. 

A.)  Life is not fair.  Obviously.

B.) All’s fair in love and war.  Apparently.

American men DO display every evidence of leaping at the chance to play second, third or tenth fiddle with a Hottie, so long as they “get some.”  This would, indeed, exacerbate our gender imbalance.  But I draw the attention of the Marriage Minded to a most promising coincidence.  We are hopelessly indebted to China at the same time that China has a gross gender imbalance that features, lo and behold, too many men.  WAY too many men. 

Some years back, I read a very interesting article on the Chinese Male problem.  Foreign Affairs, I think was the publication.  An exquisite danger cited by one of various Experts was that the simplest and surest way to reconcile an overwhelming surplus of men is to pack them off to war.  NEVER, is when I will forget a decorated Korean War veteran’s recount of being in the Korean trenches.  “We” mowed down wave after wave of “them,” be they North Korean or Chinese.  But no matter how many fell, there was another wave of humanity right behind it.  Too many bodies, not enough bullets.  “We,” nothing.  HE.  He is in his eighties, and has paid dearly for his Patriotic Chore ever since.  I digress.

Single American women, of whom there are FIFTY THREE MILLION, will do a patriotic service by marrying multiple Chinamen apiece.  Once people shelve their personal preferences and prejudices, that importing Chinese husbands with an eye on Polyandry will have a positive and significant impact on productivity becomes readily apparent.  And I don’t have to tell America that high productivity with cheap (in this case zero) labor costs is a recipe for upper case Profitability.

Consider an outdoorsy type, a woman of the land, perhaps not so homely as weathered and bleached.  With the legitimization of Polyandry via meddling by the State, this woman shall be free to marry enough men to tend to all of her crops and other land use chores.  Build a barn!  Chop, chop!  She can GROW as a farmer.  

We are, or should be, most eager to foster profitability amongst small farmers.  That more farmers shall be women, as more women import entire crews of husbands, is likely to have a NURTURING affect on a nurturing endeavor.  Farming is at least as feminine as gathering, moreso in a country that has programmed women to gather shoes and trinkets.  Our shoe and trinket days are behind us for awhile.  Get over it, as people who have not been hurt are so apt to tell people who HAVE been hurt. 

In addition to enhancing the integrity of our food supply, such Marriages will much enhance the security of the woman who has become such a productive member of society.  Alone, she would be prey to the first deranged MAN who forced himself upon her just because he could, or the first gang of thieves that set to rob her.  I think not, with 50 or 100 armed husbands on the property.  Target practice, oh-dark-thirty.  

A THOUSAND husbands, why not?  Middle Eastern oil PALES compared to the supply of Chinese men who, like American wives, shall not be paid for their labor.  The keeping of all husbands in like manner to one another, all in manner like to her own lifestyle, shall be rendered manageable by simplicity of living and productivity of household.  There will be tremendous Economies of Scale, particularly if wives are conscientious about selecting similarly sized husbands, so that wardrobe shall be uniform.

There are countless variations on the theme.  I apprehend an absence of competition in the Munitions Industry.  Piecework.  An ambitious female patriot could marry an entire FACTORY of Chinamen.  Gone, the disagreeableness of union negotiations.  This is one big happy family, all pulling in the same direction.  Here, lemonade for everyone.  You look tired, is your shoulder bothering you again?  Why don’t you lay down for awhile, take a little nap.  Thank you, thank you, Mrs. BossWife.

Ironically enough, we need to lay railroad track again.  Marry a whole CAMP of workers.  Why not?  Providing for them equally is not so daunting if they hail from peasant countryside.  THERE for the courting.  Bored.  Broke.  Sexually frustrated.  REALLY frustrated, sexually.  

They’re not going to go from getting no straight sex ever to expecting it every night.  It’s a matter of training, I expect.  Get off on the right foot by laying down the law, eh?  Women are whizzes at multi-tasking, they’ll figure out how to keep everyone from killing each other.  Many of the polyandrous marriages are likely to feature menopausal women, heightening the female’s interest in sex yet lowering the chance of pregnancy.  Chinese-intensive polyandry is an improvisational solution to an immediate problem, and should not be misconstrued as a call to dilute the Caucasian race willy-nilly. 

Once the Family Unit is making steady money and living conditions improve, the Chinese Husbands will be increasingly grateful to be in this amazing country – where a woman can build herself a little empire and improve the lot of many in the process.  People who live in Gratitude are seldom troublesome.  On the contrary, it can be imagined that they will work industriously, and bow often.  Being bowed to on a regular basis cannot NOT uplift the self-esteem of women who despaired of ever finding Happiness.  Happy people are productive people, productive people are happy.

Are you kidding me?  Miniature custom vertical monopolies, for optimum operation of each household.  Every single chore and errand shall have its own dedicated Man.  The trash taker-outer, the bug-killer, the grocery shopper, the cook, the laundry guy, the gardener, the vacuumer, the duster, the dishwasher, the car washer, the dog walker.  Everywhere the woman turns, a cheerful Chinaman . . . working and bowing, and speaking only a little charmingly broken English.  The domain to which she was formerly a slave will not only run as steadily as a Chinese factory, but as accurately as a Swiss watch.  These will not be workers who lack interest in quality/reputation/profitability because they lack a STAKE in the bottom line.  These will be ultimate Partners, HUSBANDS.  These men WILL be invested, heart and soul, in the success of whichever endeavor.  Share and share alike.  Too, the wife will have TRAINED them to her liking.

Simple respect and easy living inspire Affection – how cool is that?  Very.  Give the Geek Squad a run for the lion’s share of the market with an entire staff of PC and MAC techies . . . not Coolies, but Coolios. 

The more congested the city in which a budding bride lives, the more tenable RICKSHAWS will become as competition for taxis.  Flat rates, no charge for traffic wait time.  Why not?  This business owner/operator has drivers to spare, and a FLEET of rickshaws that the drivers themselves can build.  Surgical masks and sunscreen all around.

Chinese Husbands, plural, could be the key to unlocking the monopoly on Professional Sports.  Looking at baseball as an example, if a league’s worth of women will import and marry entire baseball TEAMS, inclusive of coaches and trainers, the American commitment to anti-discrimination cannot NOT facilitate incorporation of the new teams into competitive action.  Puts a whole new spin on World Series, eh?  Because we shall have no conspiracies in restraint of trade, this is a rinse-and-repeat proposition for the gamut of sports.  Economic stimulus GALORE as mega-buck salaries are replaced by profit sharing, equally among all of them.  These edge-of-the-envelope Wives and their bench-fulls of Chinese Husband Slash Athletes will pressure major league owners to bring ticket prices down.  A depressed country WANTS rank-and-file to be able to seek relief in spectator sports.  It heightens morale, which curbs violence.  Win-win-win.  

I spy more gratitude.  Gratitude begets tranquility.  Marriages between Best Friends and polyandrous marriages with Chinese mini-workforces are liable to have a mitigating effect on divorce statistics which, frankly – and I mean in a naked emperor kinda way – make highfalutin talk about the “sanctity” or the “institution” of Marriage pretty effing ridiculous. 

More laws = more billable hours = zero value added.

Marriage to Chinese executives of the head honcho variety poses an intriguing opportunity.  This man is unlikely to brook multiple husbands but that’s a good thing, if he’s a knowledgeable, ambitious, get-er-done type . . . who just needs a toehold in American commerce.  Did or did not Rupert Murdoch marry a Chinese woman, and did she or did she not facilitate his getting his foot in the Communications Door?  Yes indeedy, a Smarty Skirt might skip the banging-head-against-glass-ceiling part of Wheeling & Dealing by purposefully arranging to be the woman that eons of folklore holds is behind every Great Man.  Think, Remington Steele.

Preparedness being a watchword in uncertain times, I have purchased the following domain names . . . ready to POUNCE on the latest profit paradigm, if only my gullible countrymen and my conniving Congress will finish tying themselves in this knot.    

ChineseHusbandsRUs.com 

ChineseHusbands4U.com 

ChaChingHusbands.com

ChaChinkHusbands,com

HusbandImporter.com

HusbandBroker.com 

GlobalBusyBody.com

MarriageMeddlers.com

Marriage4Profit.com

ResourceRedistributor.com

RiceRocketMatchMaker.com

NoTickyNoHubby.com

With-60-You-Get-Eggroll.com

The bottom line is that Marriage is either Big Business, or it isn’t.  If Marriage is each church’s affair, to each his own. But if Marriage will be State-sanctioned, then look to Redistribution of Wealth.