But Houston, we have a problem.

Black Market is racist. Absolutely. If I am now a racist, so is Black Market. And I’d like to get a load of people’s reactions if judges’ robes were suddenly WHITE. Those black robes are intimidating, and not infrequently cover incompetence.

Let’s see here. White = surrender. Hmmm, no bueno.

Yellow = cowardice. Muy no bueno. Or Yellow means “Elevated” in Department of Homeland Security speak, specifically “Significant Risk of Terrorist Attacks.” Be afraid. Be very afraid.

In addition to Yellow, Homeland Security has dibs on Green (Low), Blue (Guarded), Orange (High) and Red (Severe).

Green = “Low Risk Of Terrorist Attacks” or Environmentally Responsible.

Red = “Severe Risk Of Terrorist Attacks” or Communism. Or red against the evil eye.

Red and Blue are also notorious gang colors.

The ladies who just pulled an abrupt and oh-so-hypocritical 180 to support a surge in Afghanistan can HAVE pink.

The Nazis own brown.

What’s left? Purple so doesn’t work for me.

Alternative speaks to Gay.

Underground speaks to illegal and unsavory. Or to slavery — THAT won’t do.

Gray, maybe. Gray speaks to age and wisdom — a presumption of sophistication. Gray speaks to shadows.

We’re talkin’ American Ingenuity, here — clever and resourceful, smart and scrappy. People trading peaceably amongst themselves to mutual benefit, whatever shall we call it?

Ah, Free Market.