Archive for June, 2009

Conspicuous Non-Consumption

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

Some things just stand to Reason.  When this side is telling you that, and that side is telling you this, ponder what stands to Reason.  For one thing, it stands to Reason that we have brains for a reason.  Use ‘em or lose ‘em.

The “deleveraging” process in which we “find” ourselves?  That’s BAD DEBT that is being unraveled . . . the more slowly owing to the continued blitzes by Advertisers AND Government commanding us to buy, Buy, BUY.  

WHO is not clear that More, More, More, Waste, Indulgence, New & Improved, Extravagance, This Year’s Model, Recklessness, Bigger, Better, Faster, Greed, GREED and MORE GREED lie beneath the bullshit through which we are daily slogging?  WHO THE FUCK IS NOT CLEAR ON THIS POINT?  Call me.  Seriously.  Eight-oh-eight, 205-9447.

And STILL  . . . I can scarcely believe my ears . . . I hear shopper-pleasers like “No Money Down” and “No Payments Until Whenever.”  You know what I want?  I want a cross-reference between the Players in the Mortgage Meltdown and the Players in Loan Modification.  The names that appear on both lists are EXACTLY with whom to begin criminal investigations, with an eye on relieving people of licenses to practice where pertinent (”luckily,” we have plenty of qualified Unemployed to fill their loafers) and of tossing particularly dirty white collars in with the orange-clad crowd.

For corrupt politicians and corrupt executives alike, I favor Lifetime Bans from politics, finance and law.

If we will avoid a repeat of this financial fiasco, which follows on the S&L fiasco, which follows on a previous bailout of Detroit, WE MUST TAKE THE BAD GUYS TO TASK.  The alleged Credit Crisis has always paled beside the CONFIDENCE CRISIS.

But separately . . . even if we could punish all the scoundrels and slay all the dragons . . . the Belt Tightening remains.  In the same way that we have no ethical or practical choice but to vanquish our Made In America Bad Guys, we have no ethical or practical choice but to CURTAIL SPENDING.

Curtailed Spending and Strategic Boycotts go together like . . . well, like Hank the Bank Paulson and Tiny Tim Geithner.

Money talks.  Withholding money hollers right back.

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Globalist Gristle

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

small-world-22

Advocating Globalism is as sensible as advocating Air or advocating Humanism.  Lo and behold, as fate and fact would have it, Air is as crucial to Humanism as is a Globe.  Very handy, indeed, that humanity shall have terra firma under its big footprint and oxygen coursing through its countless capillaries.

 

The question is, WHY advocate the obvious?  Perhaps the answer lies in the damning preposition ‘before.’  Globalism is defined as the belief (or advocating the belief) that political policies should take worldwide issues into
account BEFORE focusing on
national or state concerns.

 

Um . . . er . . . ah . . . NEGATIVE.

 

Do passengers on a crashing plane, even Hero Types, tend first to the oxygen masks of the rest of the plane’s population, or are passengers factually instructed to FIRST put on their OWN oxygen masks BEFORE assisting others?  The cold, hard Truth is that passengers, even parents, are instructed in no uncertain terms to tend to their own PRACTICAL NEEDS before tending to the needs of others, including those of their kidlets.  Why?  Do airline representatives think that one adult is more valuable than another?  Are parents instantly persuaded that they are more valuable than their children?  Or do intelligent and logical people intuitively GET IT that, if we will not first see to our own lifeblood, we will be USELESS to others?  Otherwise, parents might wrestle masks onto flailing kids only to pass out, whereupon the young ‘uns can inhale big swigs of the aforementioned Air for their sustained sobbing.

 

Torture Lite is A-okay, but Survival of the Fittest is antiquated brutality?  Only in America.

 

Truly, only in America has Altruism taken on life-threatening connotations.  The other countries rather stand to benefit from Others First but – jeepers, I hate to sound like The Ugly American – what’s in it for us? 

 

What’s in it for us might be argued to be a gigantic Mea Culpa with, as per usual, the most guilty percolating above the fray and the least prosperous absorbing the lion’s share of the cost.  American quality of life will deteriorate via Globalization as surely as American labor has suffered via Outsourcing and Illegal Immigration.  American Labor and American Quality of Life must necessarily stagnate in order for SEVERAL BILLION PEOPLE catch up with 300 million.

 

It is harrowing enough that our Corporate Masters are Internationalists whose principal loyalty is to coffers, not country.  It is demoralizing enough that our Ruling Elite is corrupt beyond imagination.  CONTAINMENT is key.  Give them LESS room to maneuver, not more.  Ponder only International Creative Accounting.

 

OR, conversely, let us NOT be Ugly Americans.  Let us DO embrace Globalism.  But, for real Change, let us not cherry-pick from the implications.  Let us not stop with how many more taxes can be levied and how many more profits will be finagled.  Let us go about Big Picture Melting Pot in good faith.

 

First – this is so obvious as to go without saying, except it apparently does NOT go without saying – for Globalization to be Globalization and not, say, Monopolization, Labor must be able to globe-trot as freely Capital and Power.  What’s good for the gander is good for the goslings.  In the alchemy of Free Market and Free Will, an inordinate amount of mischief is circumvented by healthy competition amongst innovative and industrious people.  Think, worldwide economic stimulus rather than idiosyncratic windfalls.

 

Then by all means – the hastier and more thorough, the better – let us put our best foot forward by eliminating the Council on Foreign Relations, the National Security Council, Homeland Security and the State Department.  These wildly expensive entities are redundant in the Globalization paradigm.  Redundancy is lunacy when we need so desperately to cut costs.  Moreover, these are disproportionately powerful entities – not at all in keeping with the Kumbaya spirit of Globalization.

 

Let us even more promptly eliminate the Secret Service.

 

Why on earth would leaders of the much-heralded New World Order fear for their lives?  Indeed, they should consider the safety of others BEFORE they consider their own.

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Moral Hazard Fire Sale

Friday, June 26th, 2009

If there will be Justice, without which we will at a later date mimic this “financial crisis” like a funhouse mirror, the American economy SHOULD get substantially worse before it gets better.

All this meddling and micromanaging, aside from bolstering yesterday’s ineptitude by undermining tomorrow’s productivity, serves chiefly to mitigate the losses of the richest and most rapacious men on earth. They went overboard, like Midas. An exhilarating ride gone off the tracks — reminds me of the old Wild Mouse ride, at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk back in the day. HAIR RAISING.

Now we’re all scrambling like chickens with our heads cut off trying desperately to interrupt as little as possible the same reckless spending that got us into trouble in the first place. In order to keep the same kingpins in their dominant positions, albeit with everyone’s numbers adjusted by the Creative Accounting Index. This is Theater of the Absurd, nothing less.

My countrymen are cowards, nothing more.

Unmitigated Assholes are not only freewheeling with impunity, they are being hyper rewarded with bailouts and bonuses. Soft, spoiled, and selfish, an apparently commanding majority of Americans are prepared to let it slide so long as their personal prosperity and security can be re-established . . . albeit with everyone’s numbers slashed by the Cheating Index. Please don’t hurt us.  

“Not in the face” has been replaced by “Don’t take my remote control.”

Government agencies investigate one another. Police investigate their own brutality. Federal Falderal. I’m coining that term, right here and now — captured in the bowels of the electronic archives that my sneaky, pervy Uncle Sam is collecting. The other day, I coined Slackerocity.  I coined it at a Board That Shall Not Be Named unless its elder statesmen start standing up for women when Hostile Sexists spew their venom.  I confirmed coinage of Slackerocity in an email.  Here’s what I know.  If I said something on a Board and confirmed it by email and it offended my sneaky, pervy Uncle Sam, he wouldn’t hesitate to declare it sufficient grounds to persecute me.  He would assert with the clout of his iron fist that my damning words were a MATTER OF RECORD.  So too, then, with Federal Falderal and Slacerocity.  I am ON RECORD.

See, I have had an Epiphany.  I’ll get to all the paperwork when and if I get to all the paperwork.  Life is short and the world is big, and we are wasting both while Political High Flyers fly high on the backs of the Working Poor.  And I’ve got hard news for you-You.  I don’t care WHAT your lifestyle — it matters not, how modest OR HOW GRAND — if all you do is work in order to keep that boat afloat and your own nose above water, you are Working Poor.

When Henry Paulson browbeat Congress into authorizing a blank check for TARP funds, a lot of the scare was that companies would not be able to meet bankroll without passage of the Welfare Wizardry.  Why are we not talking about the APPALLING revelation that so many organizations which accrue payroll liability do not have the next payroll banked?  Will the people with the perky parachutes please ponder what is liable to happen if a large workforce that lives hand-to-mouth puts in two weeks’ labor only to discover that there is no money to cover their paychecks?  Municipal Mayhem, that’s what. 

Shy of Force, there is only one venue to play hardball and it’s the marketplace.

That is why before America attacks a mutinous-some-might-say-willful country, “we” impose Economic Sanctions.

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Partner Up, Hunker Down

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Little Rahm Emanuel, dancer cum banker

Loyalties divided, a chip on his shoulder

Declares citizens orphaned from La Familia

With nary a word from our elusive Militia.

 

Inquisitive minds with penchants for survival

Are obliged to ponder the lack of upheaval

How could it be that Rednecks and Bad Asses

Mildly witness subjugation of their classes?

 

Sexists, Chauvinists, Pricks and Patriarchs

Have bites that little resemble their barks

Why would the manliest of American men

Stand down in the face of brazen oppression?

 

A riddle most worthy, an answer most pressing

Without populist force, it’s all window dressing

Conspicuous consumers and Suburbanites

Are the tippers of scales in civilized fights.

 

There are Unprepared millions of single women

And yang to yin, millions of Prepared single men

Grown remote from the society they would save

Fighting for freedom to a lonely early grave.

 

If Free Radical unions were commonly joined

And Patriot Partnerships were widely coined

For financial savings and emotional supports

Think efficient and felicitous Way Cool Forts.

 

Economies of scale never gather to One

It’s garishly plain, one by one we’re undone

Survival and resistance are team endeavors

Endgame forgives mixing business with pleasures.

 

One-night stands, steady girlfriends, long-haul wives

I propose matching singles will enhance many lives

Associations of couples, akin to a Firm

The better to ride out America’s shit storm.

 

By fours and by sixteens, by eighties or eights

Economy in numbers, safety at the gates

Biblically speaking, it’s a time for group worship

If it’s secular bullshit, think Entrepreneurship.

 

Whether all hell breaks loose or order is restored

Camaraderie and good cheer are meantime reward

Split the cost, share the risk, have some sex, get some sleep

Vowing watchful defense for each other to keep.

 

Of those who did perish with the Titanic sunk

Who suffered least were getting laid or getting drunk

A run for their money, a fright to their senses

Lies in a generalized mending of fences.

 

Should Reason in governance finally prevail

And a Patriot Partnership has known travail

A built-in expiration date set from the start

Will sound business practice trump unruly heart.

 

If a Baby Bang follows, that’s all to our good

The next wave of shopping, from houses to food

Beside our pitiful divorce rate of fifty percent

Rebel unions will be as winsome by accident

 

Prosperity and posterity, I spy focus

In Patriot Matchmaking Hocus Pocus

I spy another in rest and recreation

Destination spots for the family vacation.

 

Outdoors and hooked up, with acreage for training

Marksmanship and skillz whether sun, snow or raining

A place to swap stories and bring current the news

A haven for our like-minded to ward off the blues.

 

Their hotels, planes and restaurants will flounder

If the Coach class reverts to camping out yonder

With S’mores and War Stories by  campfire’s glow

Patriot Hideaways, kinda like Bohemian Grove.

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The Mechanics Of Infidelity

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

The more things don’t change, the worse they get.

Governor Sanford’s disappearance followed by revelation of yet another tedious extramarital affair inspires us to regurgitate our positions on Adultery.  By the by, in my not at all humble, rather, in my perpetually outraged opinion, Governor and Dad Sanford’s disappearance over Father’s Day weekend either demotes him beneath contempt or raises the specter of coercion.

Anyhoo, howz THIS for some bleedin’ irony?  I give you a letter that I drafted to a beloved-alas-now-retired doctor early in this past chart-topper of a presidential campaign, when commiseration about the pathetic Republican line-up revealed his identification of Rudy Giuliani as the lesser of multiple evils.  The letter still sums up a position on Infidelity that is inflexibly predicated on first-hand experience.

 

1 November 07

 

 

 

Dr. XXXXX XXXXX

 

XXXX Wilshire Blvd.

Beverly Hills, CA  90211

 

 

 

Dear Dr. XXXXX:

 

Insofar as I have never written to you in all the years that you have treated and cared for my eyes, it seems fitting first to thank you.  And I DO thank you.  For more than two decades, you are one of the touchstones by which I can gauge the quality of care I am taking of myself, and one of the few by which I can gauge honor, skill and reliability in other service providers.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how infrequently others measure up to the standards by which you abide.  You are a rare, I hope not dying, breed.

 

It is for this reason that I am compelled, literally compelled, to write to ask you to re-visit the notion that Rudy Giuliani is “tough” or otherwise well suited to the presidency.  More elementally, I ask you to re-visit the notion that how a man comports himself in his personal life has no bearing on his professional life.  How a man comports himself in his personal life may not bear directly on a man’s ability to do a job, but it assuredly bears on HOW he may exercise that ability.

 

Let us set aside the Weirdo Factors of his marrying his cousin, and his cross-dressing for merriment.  Let us set aside my mighty objection to having to set aside Weirdo Factors in discussing candidates for the office of the Presidency of the United States. 

 

You are an honorable man with a marriage of long and responsible standing…affectionate and devoted as well, it has always seemed to me.  I draw your attention strictly to the Mechanics and Implications of Infidelity.

 

Irrespective of widely recognized social mores disfavoring marital union with a cousin, Rudolph Giuliani identifies and commits to Wife Number One.  I have never been married but I do GO to the occasional wedding, and to the movies…I have certainly watched wedding ceremonies…it’s pretty clear that the headliner is a solemn vow to love and honor one mate, not to mention a few other responsibility-laden verbs, forsaking all others until death do they part.

 

Fourteen years later, Rudolph Giuliani has a moment of clarity about the Weirdo Factor of the marriage.  Rudolph Giuliani petitions the Catholic Church to annul the marriage on grounds that it ought never to have been permitted.  It was an error…not Rudolph Giuliani’s error, observe, but the Church’s error…therefore it is erased, poof, like it never happened.  I suggest that contriving to catapult Wife Number One into Non-Existence, in addition to civil divorce, constituted purposeful and heartless degradation of Wife Number One for no reason beyond unmitigated service to self.  For Rudolph Giuliani had already begun an affair with another woman who he would shortly marry, ever so correctly, in the Catholic Church.  Shame on both of them, Giuliani AND the Church.

 

The affair with the next wife is begun before the divorce from the first wife.  The Mechanics: they have made promises to one another; he is lured by what he perceives to be better for him; he goes for it, unilaterally changing the terms of a lifetime partnership without telling the partner.  The inescapable implication is that Rudy Giuliani is a man who simply disregards previously agreed upon terms of engagement if it suits his own purpose or pleasure. 

 

Once crossed, lines are easier to cross, don’t you find?  Someone who screws over one person is, I really think it is safe to say, more likely to screw over other people.

 

Still, we do not tar and feather people for this.  I did not think we seriously contemplated elevating them to the Presidency of the United States, but neither do we banish them to Siberia.  Rudolph Giuliani and his Truer Love get married; they have two kids; he becomes Mayor of New York; he has a an indiscreet affair with a staff member; he moves out from his wife and into a high-profile relationship with yet another Even Truer Love; he announces AT A PRESS CONFERENCE that he’s filing for divorce.  That’s how Wife Number Two And Mother Of His Children learned that she was getting the heave ho.

 

I read an article recently wherein Rudolph Giuliani said that only Jesus could have avoided the pitfalls into which Rudolph Giuliani fell.  Twice.  Do you think that’s true?  Do you think Rudolph Giuliani is right that you, for instance, would have done the same in his shoes?  I think Rudolph Giuliani is lenient with himself and harsh on others, and I know that it is a terrible combination.

 

Tough?  Again and again, the man can’t resist the most basic temptation of lust…how tough is that?  The only way to twist it into an argument for tough is to embrace some notion of a hot-blooded Italian hunka man…think Sonny Corleone… which, frankly, raises the reported history of organized crime connections in Rudolph Giuliani’s family. 

 

People establish patterns.  It is reasonable and prudent to suppose they will repeat them.  Rudolph Giuliani, it seems very clear, is always open to a better offer. 

 

Oath of office, vow of marriage…what makes it clear that one is sacred to Rudolph Giuliani in a way that the other clearly is not?  Because Rudy Giuliani says so?  Rudolph Giuliani has already established himself not to be a man of his Word.

 

I apologize if I have gone about this the wrong way and, as always, for going on so long, a matter over which there is seldom uncertainty.  I have never involved myself in, as They say, the national diaglogue before so, if I have gone about this oddly, I apologize and, as ever, for going wordiness.  I must say, though, and, I must say, the need to shorten my ranting is altogether about sparing readers, not sparing politicians.  I am incredulous, really, at what is passing for governance of this country.  More than any other single thing that I could point to as cause for the sorry state of our politics and our government is lack, sometimes complete absence, of character.  I cannot think of a single ill that plagues our society in which inferior character does not feature.

 

I submit that Rudolph Giuliani lacks character.  Tough without character, thy name is Bully.

 

I wonder if you will remember this so well as I do.  A few years ago, I passed along what I thought was a sufficiently intriguing philosophical question that I had not then and still have not myself answered.

 

What is the one thing you would do if you knew you could not fail?

 

After the short pause of a thoughtful but decisive man you said, “I would run for President of the United States…and do you know what my first act as President would be?”  I forget, exactly, whether you said “any kid who wants to go to Harvard goes to Harvard” or whether you said “all kids go to Harvard” but I remember you said you would accomplish the Godsend by re-naming all the colleges and universities Harvard.

 

You were also the one who really explained to me about brand vs. generic prescriptions.  THAT was an eye opener, pardon the pun, and has saved me considerable money over the years.

 

You’re a Good Guy.  It’s obvious.  To be honest with you, YOU’D make a better presidential candidate than Rudolph Giuliani, and I feel certain that your wife, unlike Mrs. Giuliani the First and Mrs. Giuliani the Second, would agree.

 

We can do better than this.  Likewise, we can do better than the ridiculousness of a Bush/Clinton/Bush/Clinton tag team relay.  Let us at least try.  Let us at least stay open minded awhile yet.  It is very much harder for an alternative to manifest if we dismiss from the outset the possibility of its existence.

 

I shall be in touch at once if I spot, with my keen eyesight, a knight on a white horse!  In the meantime, I would be very interested to learn your thoughts on John Edwards.

 

 

Best regards,

 

As for my attempt to steer the good doctor from Giuliani to John Edwards, you gotta laugh and laugh in an unfunny kinda way . . . otherwise you might start crying and never stop.  Zipper problems, the whole fucking lot of ‘em.

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Things That Don’t Need To Be Made

Friday, June 12th, 2009

A picture is worth a thousand words.  Yes, well.  I am having Technical Difficulty.  That is why I am purposefully looking for a partner.  ”All things being equal,” what pussy-footing equivocator came up with THAT qualifier?  All things are NEVER equal.  Or, FINE . . . all things being equal, I’ll take a Great Man.  With technical aptitude.

I watched an interview of author Paul Theroux on C-SPAN awhile back, who had elected against incorporating photographs that would detract from “purple prose.”  A thousand words, it is . . . a little over 900 to go.

If the photos would have uploaded cooperatively . . . after I actually remembered to charge the camera batteries and bothered to take the photos . . . they would have depicted an electronic fork, a fireplace remote control and a laundry room wall hanging that spells out l-a-u-n-d-r-y.  That’s it .  .  . an item that someone thought to manufacture and that someone DID manufacture and that someone thought to buy and that someone DID buy.  And, I suspect, that someone else received as a gift whereupon the recipient uttered to themselves a heartfelt, “You shouldn’t have . . . really.”

By electronic fork, I mean a long handled fork with a digital temperature gauge in the handle.  Presumably, sticking this fork in cooking meat will see the meat’s interior temperature travel up the fork frame and register on a digital thermometer, OR, maybe one sets the digital thermometer to what constitutes DONE and the fork beeps when the meat has attained target temperature.  I couldn’t say for sure — I have never seen that widget before.

A remote control FOR A GAS FIREPLACE?  Dispensing with the gathering of wood and the building/maintaining of a fire is not the Super Duper level of New & Improved.  No siree, now ya don’t even gotta get up and walk across the room.  Ingenious.  Well done.  You shouldn’t have . . . really.

If Americans will correct rather than camouflage their economy, they will get serious about getting Back To Basics.

‘Days of Wine and Roses’ sounds good, does it not?  Watch the movie.  Substance Abuse, thy other name is Conspicuous Consumption.  Believe you me, I know a Last Gasper when I meet one.

We hit bottom, or we continue the run.  The former is a bitch, and the latter is worse.  The upside of hitting a real bottom instead of scraping along false bottom after contrived bottom is that the people who contributed most to the crisis in which we “find” ourselves will take the biggest hit.

As they should.  Consequences R Teachers.

These are not Conspicuous Consumption Days.  Unless it’s in the Third World.  The G-20 leaders couldn’t have been more crass about developing nations needing to step up to the consumption plate.  You bet.  That’s a lotta cell phones and overpriced sneakers and torn jeans.  And a lotta Starbucks and McDonalds and Exxon Mobil.  If we leave the Ruling Elite to their machinations, the Average American’s standard of living will stagnate while BILLIONS of people catch up the new-fashioned way . . . by taxpayer-funded government largesse.

For Americans, these are Days of Belt Tightening, Recycling, Reconstituting and Repairing.

Americans are not obliged to surrender Greatness, just because Connivers would trade it for personal gain.

Fewer than 525 words.  UNDER budget, what a concept.

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Batter UP!

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

On a board of supposedly libertarian persuasion, men are coming out of the woods rather than the closet to point out that, if Gays can get hitched, so ought Polygamists be free to step up to the Marriage Plate, oftener. Perfectly logical.  

bbc-rings2

It follows, however, particularly insofar as the Official Benefits bequeathed to marriage partners outweigh the Official Obligations foisted upon marriage partners, that Friends should also be free to seek the wholesome haven of Marriage.  What’s good for the Gays is good for the sitting ducks.

If Marriage will be expanded to include unions between homosexuals and bisexuals and souped-up sexuals, then our commitment to anti-discrimination not only obliges us to extend the social recognition and arbitrary perks of Marriage to ASEXUAL unions – as between Best Friends – but also to POLYANDRY.  Multiple husbands per wife.  Yee Haw. 

The marriage of Friends is straightforward, a quintessential no-brainer.  If society will suck up the conference upon unions featuring homosexual sex Whatever & All that marriage Officially signifies, then society is obliged to likewise confer Whatever & All that marriage Officially signifies upon unions featuring NO sex.  EZPZ.

In a patriarchal society, it can be guessed that Polyandry will present a greater psychological hurdle than Polygamy, in particular for the very men who are the most enthusiastic about incorporation of Polygamy into the social fabric.  It must be conceded that having multiple Special Someones DOES change the texture.  They may be quick to dismiss Polyandry as impracticable, given a sustained gender lopsidedness that disfavors women, in terms of the Marriage Racket, and that is continually aggravated by shipment of especially strong and brave breeders to be killed in places that many Americans would have trouble finding on a map.

Understandably, there will be concern that Polyandry could further stack the deck against single women, particularly spinsters and homely women, as Babes and Barbies snap up more than their “fair” share of husbands.  Fiddle de de. 

A.)  Life is not fair.  Obviously.

B.) All’s fair in love and war.  Apparently.

American men DO display every evidence of leaping at the chance to play second, third or tenth fiddle with a Hottie, so long as they “get some.”  This would, indeed, exacerbate our gender imbalance.  But I draw the attention of the Marriage Minded to a most promising coincidence.  We are hopelessly indebted to China at the same time that China has a gross gender imbalance that features, lo and behold, too many men.  WAY too many men. 

Some years back, I read a very interesting article on the Chinese Male problem.  Foreign Affairs, I think was the publication.  An exquisite danger cited by one of various Experts was that the simplest and surest way to reconcile an overwhelming surplus of men is to pack them off to war.  NEVER, is when I will forget a decorated Korean War veteran’s recount of being in the Korean trenches.  “We” mowed down wave after wave of “them,” be they North Korean or Chinese.  But no matter how many fell, there was another wave of humanity right behind it.  Too many bodies, not enough bullets.  “We,” nothing.  HE.  He is in his eighties, and has paid dearly for his Patriotic Chore ever since.  I digress.

Single American women, of whom there are FIFTY THREE MILLION, will do a patriotic service by marrying multiple Chinamen apiece.  Once people shelve their personal preferences and prejudices, that importing Chinese husbands with an eye on Polyandry will have a positive and significant impact on productivity becomes readily apparent.  And I don’t have to tell America that high productivity with cheap (in this case zero) labor costs is a recipe for upper case Profitability.

Consider an outdoorsy type, a woman of the land, perhaps not so homely as weathered and bleached.  With the legitimization of Polyandry via meddling by the State, this woman shall be free to marry enough men to tend to all of her crops and other land use chores.  Build a barn!  Chop, chop!  She can GROW as a farmer.  

We are, or should be, most eager to foster profitability amongst small farmers.  That more farmers shall be women, as more women import entire crews of husbands, is likely to have a NURTURING affect on a nurturing endeavor.  Farming is at least as feminine as gathering, moreso in a country that has programmed women to gather shoes and trinkets.  Our shoe and trinket days are behind us for awhile.  Get over it, as people who have not been hurt are so apt to tell people who HAVE been hurt. 

In addition to enhancing the integrity of our food supply, such Marriages will much enhance the security of the woman who has become such a productive member of society.  Alone, she would be prey to the first deranged MAN who forced himself upon her just because he could, or the first gang of thieves that set to rob her.  I think not, with 50 or 100 armed husbands on the property.  Target practice, oh-dark-thirty.  

A THOUSAND husbands, why not?  Middle Eastern oil PALES compared to the supply of Chinese men who, like American wives, shall not be paid for their labor.  The keeping of all husbands in like manner to one another, all in manner like to her own lifestyle, shall be rendered manageable by simplicity of living and productivity of household.  There will be tremendous Economies of Scale, particularly if wives are conscientious about selecting similarly sized husbands, so that wardrobe shall be uniform.

There are countless variations on the theme.  I apprehend an absence of competition in the Munitions Industry.  Piecework.  An ambitious female patriot could marry an entire FACTORY of Chinamen.  Gone, the disagreeableness of union negotiations.  This is one big happy family, all pulling in the same direction.  Here, lemonade for everyone.  You look tired, is your shoulder bothering you again?  Why don’t you lay down for awhile, take a little nap.  Thank you, thank you, Mrs. BossWife.

Ironically enough, we need to lay railroad track again.  Marry a whole CAMP of workers.  Why not?  Providing for them equally is not so daunting if they hail from peasant countryside.  THERE for the courting.  Bored.  Broke.  Sexually frustrated.  REALLY frustrated, sexually.  

They’re not going to go from getting no straight sex ever to expecting it every night.  It’s a matter of training, I expect.  Get off on the right foot by laying down the law, eh?  Women are whizzes at multi-tasking, they’ll figure out how to keep everyone from killing each other.  Many of the polyandrous marriages are likely to feature menopausal women, heightening the female’s interest in sex yet lowering the chance of pregnancy.  Chinese-intensive polyandry is an improvisational solution to an immediate problem, and should not be misconstrued as a call to dilute the Caucasian race willy-nilly. 

Once the Family Unit is making steady money and living conditions improve, the Chinese Husbands will be increasingly grateful to be in this amazing country – where a woman can build herself a little empire and improve the lot of many in the process.  People who live in Gratitude are seldom troublesome.  On the contrary, it can be imagined that they will work industriously, and bow often.  Being bowed to on a regular basis cannot NOT uplift the self-esteem of women who despaired of ever finding Happiness.  Happy people are productive people, productive people are happy.

Are you kidding me?  Miniature custom vertical monopolies, for optimum operation of each household.  Every single chore and errand shall have its own dedicated Man.  The trash taker-outer, the bug-killer, the grocery shopper, the cook, the laundry guy, the gardener, the vacuumer, the duster, the dishwasher, the car washer, the dog walker.  Everywhere the woman turns, a cheerful Chinaman . . . working and bowing, and speaking only a little charmingly broken English.  The domain to which she was formerly a slave will not only run as steadily as a Chinese factory, but as accurately as a Swiss watch.  These will not be workers who lack interest in quality/reputation/profitability because they lack a STAKE in the bottom line.  These will be ultimate Partners, HUSBANDS.  These men WILL be invested, heart and soul, in the success of whichever endeavor.  Share and share alike.  Too, the wife will have TRAINED them to her liking.

Simple respect and easy living inspire Affection – how cool is that?  Very.  Give the Geek Squad a run for the lion’s share of the market with an entire staff of PC and MAC techies . . . not Coolies, but Coolios. 

The more congested the city in which a budding bride lives, the more tenable RICKSHAWS will become as competition for taxis.  Flat rates, no charge for traffic wait time.  Why not?  This business owner/operator has drivers to spare, and a FLEET of rickshaws that the drivers themselves can build.  Surgical masks and sunscreen all around.

Chinese Husbands, plural, could be the key to unlocking the monopoly on Professional Sports.  Looking at baseball as an example, if a league’s worth of women will import and marry entire baseball TEAMS, inclusive of coaches and trainers, the American commitment to anti-discrimination cannot NOT facilitate incorporation of the new teams into competitive action.  Puts a whole new spin on World Series, eh?  Because we shall have no conspiracies in restraint of trade, this is a rinse-and-repeat proposition for the gamut of sports.  Economic stimulus GALORE as mega-buck salaries are replaced by profit sharing, equally among all of them.  These edge-of-the-envelope Wives and their bench-fulls of Chinese Husband Slash Athletes will pressure major league owners to bring ticket prices down.  A depressed country WANTS rank-and-file to be able to seek relief in spectator sports.  It heightens morale, which curbs violence.  Win-win-win.  

I spy more gratitude.  Gratitude begets tranquility.  Marriages between Best Friends and polyandrous marriages with Chinese mini-workforces are liable to have a mitigating effect on divorce statistics which, frankly – and I mean in a naked emperor kinda way – make highfalutin talk about the “sanctity” or the “institution” of Marriage pretty effing ridiculous. 

More laws = more billable hours = zero value added.

Marriage to Chinese executives of the head honcho variety poses an intriguing opportunity.  This man is unlikely to brook multiple husbands but that’s a good thing, if he’s a knowledgeable, ambitious, get-er-done type . . . who just needs a toehold in American commerce.  Did or did not Rupert Murdoch marry a Chinese woman, and did she or did she not facilitate his getting his foot in the Communications Door?  Yes indeedy, a Smarty Skirt might skip the banging-head-against-glass-ceiling part of Wheeling & Dealing by purposefully arranging to be the woman that eons of folklore holds is behind every Great Man.  Think, Remington Steele.

Preparedness being a watchword in uncertain times, I have purchased the following domain names . . . ready to POUNCE on the latest profit paradigm, if only my gullible countrymen and my conniving Congress will finish tying themselves in this knot.    

ChineseHusbandsRUs.com 

ChineseHusbands4U.com 

ChaChingHusbands.com

ChaChinkHusbands,com

HusbandImporter.com

HusbandBroker.com 

GlobalBusyBody.com

MarriageMeddlers.com

Marriage4Profit.com

ResourceRedistributor.com

RiceRocketMatchMaker.com

NoTickyNoHubby.com

With-60-You-Get-Eggroll.com

The bottom line is that Marriage is either Big Business, or it isn’t.  If Marriage is each church’s affair, to each his own. But if Marriage will be State-sanctioned, then look to Redistribution of Wealth.

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One Federal Reserve Note, Please

Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

one-buck

Count me IN on the Fundraising game.

No lie, a buck apiece.  I am nigh upon the three-year mark of wielding my metaphorical sword of astute observation serrated by rapier wit.  In the manner of chumps throughout history, I have been doing for no money but a Good Cause.  In the manner of a lapsed Catholic recovering alcoholic, I’ll see yer Stupidity and raise ya Martyrdom.  I am PAYING to play the game.  

To quote a once-upon-a-time Rooomie, “Fuck that for a laugh.”  British.  Starving Artist Daze.  Fun fun fun, ’til they weren’t.  People need to get out more when they’re younger — meet people, see the world, get smart.  Oldsters should be doin’ the office holding . . . with all the glamor of jury duty.  And for the same price, with a beats-sittin’-at-home cheerfulness.  My considered opinion.  

That should be a given, yes?  That I speak MY mind, MY Truth.  There are VERY few Inarguables.  I grant 2 + 2 = 4, and all that follows provably by equation.  I grant certain Laws of Science, eh?  Otherwise I’d be a European Monarchical Nincompoop who would refuse to fund Christopher Columbus’s adventuring on certainty that the world was flat.  I have crossed the mid-century mark.  I have only to look at my own face and body to know that Gravity is Fact.  I grant that which follows provably from Fact.  Otherwise electricity would scare the bejeezus out of me, and a camera would steal my soul.

After that, it’s a marketplace of Ideas.  I am noticing some strong arming of competition, by the by.  When Bad Guys freewheel with impunity, Bullies can be relied to come out to play.  Like looters after a natural disaster. 

Even if I were positioned to continue to work/live “for free,” which I am not — thanks every bit as much to freewheeling Bad Guys as to my perversity for gravitating to them — I see clearly and feel strongly that working “for free” is corrosive to Capitalism.  I see clearly and feel strongly that Capitalism is the best economic system thus far sort of defined by sustained application REALLY SORT OF principles.  Peek-a-boo principles, that’s what we have.

Too, I already put in my time working for free — and got kicked in the teeth for it.  Life is not for Sissies.  Or it’s COMPLETELY for Sissies, which is the path on which this Effete Elite Administration, like the previous Effete Elite Administration, has us skating wildly along.  Look Ma, no hands!  LOOK MA, NO BRAKES!!

A bona fide well-wisher said to me lately, in an I-love-how-you-are-but-perhaps-you-should-change way, that I have no brakes.

I’m taking advice to heart, believe you me.  I have also put in my time banging my head against a brick wall.

Brakes.  Here.  Me.  Now.

It takes a lot of discipline to be free, I’ve learned that.

People will pay me to write online — “for free,” instead of selling books — or I will find something else to do that DOES cause money to flow through my coffers as needed.   

If I make you laugh even once in awhile, it’s work a dollar.  That’s what I’m going for, tiny amounts in staggering number.  Laughs are hard to come by.  So is honesty.  I’m bringing both to the table, plus an uncommon flair with the English language.  

The CoughUp button in the right-hand menu opens a PayPal page.  Yeah, I know.  It scared me too and kinda still does.  You don’t have to open a PayPal account.  You can use other credit cards.  But I GET IT about not wanting to use credit cards online.  Or at all.  The matter of my not writing online for free remains.  Decisions, decisions.  I need to make a decision that is contingent on the decision of others.  Is my musing/writing/blogging online — without advertising and absent affiliation, it bears mention — worth one dollar to enough people to make it economically viable? If not, there are alternative and better ways to focus myself and direct my resources, such as they are.  Talk about the School Of Hard Knocks, eh? 

But MUCH better all the way around if you would be so kind as to SEND one dollar . . . one increasingly worthless Federal Reserve Note . . .to the address below.  I appreciate that between envelope and stamp and time, this is more like a two-dollar commitment.  But when the going gets tough, desperate times call for measure of improvisation that celebrate the present as the start of the rest of your life, which is unfair.  Something like that.

Implausible Endeavors LLC
8306 Wilshire Blvd. PMB 46
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

You won’t like everything I say, but I think you will never suspect me of pulling punches, covering up or side stepping. I’m irritating, like your conscience, but I’m honest.  Trust me on this, cash and honesty will send the IRS into what my CPA father used to call CONNIPTION FITS.  

That alone is worth a buck.

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Open Letter to Peter Schiff

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

Since dispensing advice to people we don’t know has replaced baseball as the great American pastime, here ya go, more unsolicited opinion.  Maybe you are the Alchemist who can pull a rabbit out of all these tuppence.

There is no doubt that Chris Dodd should be run out of politics on a rail but, if I cared about you, I would counsel you not to run for Senate and I’ll tell you why.  The respect you presently command for financial prowess with be matched measure for measure with scorn, envy, suspicion, contempt, you name it.  The label Guru will be stripped away and replaced with Big Money — your every intent interrogated, your every interest suspected.  If your own predictions are correct, rank-and-file will be worse and worse off in the coming couple years.  With no relief in sight, those who HAVE money will increasingly become objects of scorn to the millions upon millions who do NOT have money, not even enough to make ends meet.  

We are much more generous with ridicule than we are with respect, I expect you’ve noticed.

In an economy like this, it would be laughable to divest yourself of your company in order to maintain an appearance of propriety, but I that is exactly what would be required to avoid your becoming the ass that anyone with a resentment can stab with a sharp stick.  If Warren Buffet were in office right now, believe you me, we’d be giving him what-for.

But observe how well he is regarded, how much less harsh the limelight, when he maintains professional distance from where the buck stops.  People admire financial wizardry well enough, but they are also notorious for resenting success. 

I am much distressed by wannabe candidates’ relentless calls for the beleaguered American citizenry to SEND MORE MONEY.  I am contemptuous of newcomers’ assertion that this time/their candidate will be different.  The politicos and strategerists who casually deny possibility of the pitfalls that have bedeviled man’s lordship over man since the dawn of recorded history are precisely the inside track types that people in the bleachers need most to fear.  Nay, revile.  

If we would have things be different, we must do things differently.  As they say on the recovery circuit, we will act our way into right thinking before we will think our way into right acting.

Extrapolating from the derivative concept, I propose a bundling of Independent candidates to mitigate risk and enhance performance . . .  a SLATE of candidates, 50 states broad, who stand squarely on a platform which, to this untrained eye, has yet to be built.  The good news is, it only needs 10 planks — God himself has not enjoyed success on a To Do list as long as that.

I am even MORE distressed by the absence of oversight and accountability with all this fundraising.  I say again that political junkies who chirp that their candidates/organizations/movements are beyond corruption are either young, stupid or insincere.  You know better, and so do I.  Power corrupts?  You bet.  So does money.  In many credible circles, they are held to be one and the same.

Rather than you sullying yourself and muddying the water as a candidate, I suggest that you might serve as the as rock-solid economic adviser to the aforementioned slate of candidates who are kept safer and dryer under the Liberty Umbrella than most of them could ever manage on their own.  Further, I envision a repository for aggregate donations made To The Cause, which is inarguably great, rather than to individuals who are unfailingly human. Principles over personalities.  

Funds could be invested short-term while the Mooovement’s Committee of SENSE determines their most effective and influential apportionment.  Establish a go-to Name Brand for the many many people who are disgusted by partisan politics but who, frankly and not without reason, look askance at upper case Libertarians.  Throwing the deck of cards up in the air, are we?  Here, have a Hoola Hoop.  The consumers-more-like-carnivores of Extremes, from pet rocks to men on the moon, WILL BUY A NEW IDEA.  Me, I think they’ll buy a new idea before they’ll buy the tall tale that the Really-Grand-As-In-Graft Old Party has mended its ways.  Hell, the cast of characters has barely changed.  Karl Rove, trusted FOX correspondent.  I know I couldn’t sell that to any but those who voted for John McCain and SARAH PALIN.  I wouldn’t sell it to anyone.  Only this year, after nearly 35 years as a registered Republican did I mean ENOUGH IS ENOUGH to bail.  Independent from here on out.  The major parties are undependable.

I will rather bow out altogether, into a relaxed and groovy go-around-the-potholes-instead-of-fight-City-Hall Way Cool Fort, and leave y’all to the madness.  Tell everyone I TRIED to speak Reason and Truth . . . either I’m go good at it, or they’re not havin’ it.  Six of one, half a dozen of the other.  The result is the same. old. same. old.  Unacceptable.

If I do not appreciate, I certainly understand that there is a labyrinth of regulations that attend campaign financing, just like there is a labyrinth of regulations for everything from what to put in our bodies to how to dispose of our trash.  A quick search for The Rules landed me on the august document “FEDERAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN LAWS Compiled By THE FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION.”  Capital letters, indeed.  TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY NINE pages of prime USDA Legaleze.

A person of quite average intelligence and objectivity who pays regular attention to American politics can plainly see that the acres of pages of semantic fine tuning that accompany legislation-read-that-law are the breeding ground of Exceptions To The Rule. Surplus Legal Hairsplitting = Deficit Honorable Intent.  Always.

An excerpt FROM PAGE ONE HUNDRED of the document makes it clear as mud that David, The Downtrodden, Third Parties and The Little Guy can make the case that purposeful obfuscation and impediment perpetuate the two-party stranglehold on American politics AND COMMERCE.  Auto asphyxiation, decidedly minus erotica.

(c) Minor and new parties.

In order to be eligible to receive any payments under section 9006, the candidates of a minor or new party in a presidential election shall certify to the Commission under penalty of perjury, that— 

(1) such candidates and their authorized committees will not incur qualified campaign expenses in excess of the aggregate payments to which the eligible candidates of a major party are entitled under section 9004, and 

(2) such candidates and their authorized committees will accept and expend or retain contributions to defray qualified campaign expenses only to the extent that the qualified campaign expenses incurred by such candidates and their authorized committees certified to under paragraph (1) exceed the aggregate payments received by such candidates out of the fund pursuant to section 9006. 

Such certification shall be made within such time prior to the day of the presidential election as the Commission shall prescribe by rules or regulations. 

http://www.fec.gov/law/feca/feca.pdf 

Very literally, rules are made to be broken in America . . . it is the genesis and the lifeblood of Big Law.  Only because the  people who are out of power are not so different from people who are in power as it is emotionally convenient for the out-of-power people to suppose, I am awed to think what the People might pull off with a Good Economic Advisor and a Good Attorney.  Good and bad.

What’s John Edwards up to, I wonder, since HIS tarring and feathering?  The process ITSELF must be challenged, not joined.  Joining IS the perpetuation.

If communal donations and short-term investment could be maneuvered around bends in the law, there would still be the matter of checking egos at the door.  A stretch for politicians, to be sure.  A stretch also for Big Money, in my experience.

I don’t know the answer beyond knowing that the same ineffective solution to the same abiding problem is NOT the answer.  The same ineffective solution to the same abiding problem is bollocks — either magical thinking or mercenary thinking.  This much I DO know.  I will deride ALL candidates who give the open-ended high-flying SEND MORE MONEY pyramid another whirl.  Think scathing political satire.  I will spend money to expose candidates before I will send money to elevate candidates.

Or not.  Why bother?  If we would be so pedestrian as to let history be a guide, we would see that in the collapsing-empire-every-man-for-himself paradigm, what follows on the heels of rapacious taxation and strong-arm compliance is Brain Drain.  ”I don’t give a shit anymore” is not without its own awesomeness.  Unless you’re gettin’ paid for it, politics is no way to spend a life.  A person might just as well say they are “into” sado-masochism as say they “into politics.”

Which brings me full circle to throwing two more cents in the DON’T RUN pile.  A slate of in-your-face, balls-to-the-wall, no-nonsense, straight-talking, get-er-done types . . . people with little to lose and lots to gain . . . I’m tellin’ ya, Americans LOVE underdogs.  ESPECIALLY in Hard Times.   The Little Engine That Could.  Adam Kokesh.   

By contrast, Americans love to loathe the top of the heap . . . build ‘em up just to let ‘em down, I think there was a song about that brand of crazy-making.  Yours is the opposite story, little to win and lots to lose while being an easier target.  A side of aggravation to go with your disappointment? 

As it happens, I don’t know you to care about you beyond perfunctory, and I confess intermittent, Goodwill toward all. If my thinking is wrong, let’s just say it wouldn’t be the first time.  Definitely, take everything I say with a grain of salt — perhaps on the rim of a slushy margarita while pot smokers languish in prison — consider the source, there’s no accounting for taste, that’s what makes horse races, to each his own, do what you think is best, today is the first day of the rest of our lives, may the best man win.

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Lullaby-bye

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009

Insipids and Inciters argued well into the night

Insipids said ‘Let’s wait and see,’ Inciters said ‘Let’s fight’

Grievances Inciters held, a list too long to read

Hope was what Insipids held, at last they all agreed. 

 

Liberty Lovers and Liars met on a summer morn

Liberty Lovers told Liars of a revolution born

Liars told Liberty Lovers of a black mark by their names

Liberty Lovers told Liars to cease their Bully games.

 

Politician and Proletariat assembled on the lawn

Proletariat stood firm and stared Politician down

Politician told Proletariat that his work would get the axe

Proletariat told Politician that the same would go for Tax.

 

Suburbanites and Senators smiled across a gleaming table

Senators told Suburbanites ‘Go home while you’re still able’

Suburbanites told Senators it was they who would go home

Suburbanites told Senators ‘This is America, not Rome.’

 

Deciders and Defiers squared off on Labor Day

Defiers said Deciders would now have to skulk away

Deciders said Defiers would each one be thrown in jail

Defiers told Deciders they’d be posting no more bail.

 

False Hoods and Freedom Fighters faced each other in the dark

After Falseness upon Falseness, there’d be Freedom in the park

False Hoods relied on bodyguards conflicted by their conscience

Freedom Fighters without fanfare did put end to all the nonsense.

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