Archive for March, 2009

Decriminalization or Prohibition, Take Your Effing Pick

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

Barack Hussein Obama is when he declares NO! — like a dictator, by the by — that the decriminalization of marijuana is not an answer to economic mayhem. FULL. OF. SHIT.

Industrial Hemp is an emerging market, and America is gonna miss the boat if we keep listening to the Aristorats in Washington. Either decriminalize marijuana and hemp — quick, quick, chop, chop, like when they authorized a blank check to Hank the Bank Paulson — or reinstate the prohibition of alcohol.

ENOUGH WITH THE BULLSHIT.

Invite a coupla those Drug Lords in from the heat — there have got to be a few of ‘em gettin’ on up toward retirement years. The Drug Lords are much better businessmen that American businessmen, obviously. NO WAY JOSE would America’s pansy-assed executives have lasted this long as prey instead of predator.

There are beaucoup bucks to be MADE, and beaucoup bucks to be SAVED. There is also the matter of serving a little Justice along with all our Big Talk.

Otherwise, as testament to Obama’s and Biden’s sincerity, Ashley Biden must be prosecuted to the absolute fullest extent of the law. Failing that, I cry capital-D Discrimination. Were or were not Michael Phelps’ lucrative endorsement contracts yanked on account of his SMOKING MARIJUANA, inarguably a lesser offense than SNORTING COCAINE.

Man up, fellas.

And speaking of fellas who need to man up, where IS Hank the Bank lying in the sun?

There IS money to be made right now. There ARE ways to stimulate this economy.

I declare my belief that corrupt officials in Washington are purposefully hamstringing American entrepreneurial ingenuity in order to safeguard the preeminent wealth of the Ruling Elite.

Not only should American small farmers ABSO-BLOOMIN-LUTELY plant marijuana and hemp this Spring, they should turn those crops TWICE. It stands to Reason.

Nixing Nepotism = Change

Monday, March 30th, 2009

What’s this?!  Tandem with learning that Joe Biden’s daughter kicks it with cocaine, I have learned that it was Joe Biden himself — Mr. Anti Drug — who introduced the offensive term CZAR into America’s political lexicon.

The DRUG CZAR is Joe Biden’s brainchild.  Once a plagiarist, always a plagiarist, eh?

Am I the only one who remembers reading about the fate of the Czar and his family, out there in the Russian woods.  Hacked to bits, they were . . . not just off with their heads, off with their LIMBS as well.

Joe Anti-Drug Plagiarist Biden’s daughter is caught on video snorting coke and complaining that the lines are too small and . . . nothing?  How are Joe Biden’s Druggie Daughter’s cocaine antics somehow off the table, when Michael Phelps lost multi-million dollar endorsements and was pressured into apologizing publicly for MARIJUANA?

Would that be because Barack The Fraud Obama said ‘NO’ to marijuana/hemp as economic stimulus but ‘YES’ to his own dabbling in cocaine?  Or would that be because Joe Biden is Elite in his own right, unanswerable to the public over which he rides roughshod?

Reinstate Michael Phelps on his pedestal, or knock the Bidens off of theirs.

Some citizens are NOT more equal than others.  Some stroke-of-luck offspring are NOT more equal than others.  But some politicians ARE bigger hypocrites than others.  Joe Biden is NOTHING if not a long-winded hypocrite.  

Ashley Biden is lucky that she does her sniffing and snorting in Delaware rather than in Arizona, wanna know why?  The Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals just upheld a federal district court’s ruling that Safford Middle School Vice Principal Kerry Wilson, school nurse Peggy Schwallier and administrative assistant Helen Romero did not violate a 13-year-old student’s Fourth Amendment rights when they compelled her to strip down, exposing both her breasts and her pubic area, while three grown women hunted for that legendary culprit IBUPROFEN.

You gotta admit, Ibuprofen kinda pales next to cocaine.  

Ashley Biden, get thee to a nunnery.

Joe Biden, get thee to the woodshed. 

 

 

Autopia

Monday, March 30th, 2009

WHAT? Rick Wagoner is out at GM . . . jeepers, so soon? Are we sure we don’t want to stay the course a little longer and give the unrepentant asshole another chance? If we ARE sure that we can handle such a bold change, how ’bout he takes Mullaley of Ford with him, the door hits BOTH of ‘em in the ass on the way out, and we all say “good riddance to bad rubbish” on three. One, two . . . GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH.

LET ALL THREE LACKLUSTER, FREELOADING QUOTE-UNQUOTE POWERHOUSES GO UNDER.

The industry is riddled with inconsistency and inefficiency, high costs and low quality, a surplus of greed and an absence of vision. Fuck ‘em.

Use Bailout-Bucks-Slash-Monopoly-Money to buy the NAMES. The American people are sentimental over the IDEA of Detroit. Buy the oh-so-American and oh-so-recognizable names Ford, General Motors and Chrysler at a prices that permit of paying off such contracts as stand up under aggressive legal scrutiny.

Sell those iconic names to the highest bidder. Better yet, LEASE the names until we find our new Car Kids. Probation all around!

Those of us who have taken a 50% hit in every asset class GET IT that what we need is smaller, more agile companies and energy-efficient people movers, particularly of the mass transit variety. Leave trendy, impractical autopia to the Effete Elite and the kids. You know, the Monopoly Money Mob.

Land Of The Fee And Home Of The Knave

Saturday, March 28th, 2009

This past week, I lost track of the sundry rules and regulations by which I may park my car without penalty and received, for blocking the path of a gas-guzzling behemoth street sweeper, a FIFTY-FIVE dollar parking ticket. I contend that this is usurious, moreover that the scheme by which the City of Los Angeles DOUBLES the fee after three weeks is unlawful.

I contend that Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villagairossa is a carpetbagger and a charletan, but that is another story.

I contend that the overwhelming majority of the penalties, fees and fines that are foisted upon the Public. . . parking tickets, speeding tickets, moving violation tickets, many of the licenses and most of the fees constitute COVERT TAXATION. American Officials are legislating restraints and punishments chiefly as revenue-generating schemes.

Though we are daily under a vague but lethal threat of terrorist attack, though gang bangers are proliferating during the Financial Fiasco, though drug cartels are brutally engaging along the Mexican-American border that is brief hundreds of miles south of Los Angeles, L.A.P.D. still hides in the bushes to issue red-light and speed violation tickets. (Because the very last thing I need is trouble with L.A.P.D., let us be clear that I am clear that the cheesy nickel-and-diming is a Top-Down mechanism.) Meter Maids and Butlers actually WAIT for parking meters to expire in order to issue parking tickets.

I contend that American Officials are knowingly and increasingly acting in Bad Faith.

NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION, remember? I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but I have ZERO representation in government.

None of this is complicated, not even Derivatives.

Derivatives are bullshit. The only thing that’s complicated about bullshit is why anyone puts up with it while they try to figger it out.

There are Ethical Business Practices and there’s Lyin’ Cheatin’ Stealin’ Freewheeling.

There are Good Guys and there are Bad Guys.

There is the Spirit of Law — and there is Tyranny.

Among the tyrannically oppressed, there are those who are simply subjugated and there are those who are brazenly exploited.

Americans are among the latter.

Land of the fee and home of the knave.

Twisted

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

which-way-copy2

 

There was a crooked man who walked a crooked mile

He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile

He bought a crooked cat that caught a crooked mouse

And they all lived together in a crooked little house.

 

There was a crooked house that sat a crooked session

They found a crooked billion and learned a crooked lesson

They bought some crooked men who clocked some crooked hours

And they all lived together in their crooked little towers.

 

There was a crooked Dog who ran a crooked race

He found a crooked party that wore a crooked face

He bought a crooked office and a crooked Administration

And we all fought each other in a crooked little nation.


 

Gurlz ‘n Guns

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

I am a Political Newbie.  Or Noobie.  Or Noob.

Y’know why?

‘Cause I’ve only been immersed in this crapola for roughly three years, which is to say that I am not a member of the Elite comprised of Lifetime Political Activists.  And make no mistake, Lifetime Political Activism IS an oh-so-elite Elite.  Political Activism is the flip side of the coin that keeps the Moneychanger Game tilted in favor of the Effete Elite.

Barack Obama is Effete Elite.

The Sierra Club is Effete Elite.

Rahm Emanuel is Effete Elite. 

The ACLU is Effete Elite.

The George Bushes are Effete Elite. 

PETA is Effete Elite.

The Bill Clintons are Effete Elite.

MoveOn is Effete Elite.

Again and again, it seems advisable to simply jump into the middle of Issues without researching either “side.”  Here’s why.  If it’s been an Issue for a long time, neither side is right and/or neither side is doing it right . . . or it wouldn’t still be an Issue.  No collective is that stupid.  Even a broken clock is right twice each day.

When we were young – when we never ONCE worryied about the roof over our heads or the food on our table, never ONCE fretted over medical or dental care, never ONCE confronted unaffordable education or transportation – we WERE chastised to consume plates of food we detested because there were children starving in Biafra.

Did that ever make ANY sense to ANYONE?  Even as a child, the solution was obvious to me.  The cooked carrots that make me gag?  Don’t make ME eat them, rather, SEND them to the starving children.  How on God’s green earth could obliging me to eat food that I was known to hate do ANYTHING toward mitigating starvation in Africa?  Send them the sweet potatoes and coconut, while you’re at it.

That was in the 1960’s.

It’s 2009.  Children are STILL starving in Africa.  CLEARLY, the people who profess to “help” are not helping, or there wouldn’t be even more children still starving in Africa.  I would remind us that we DO still destroy crops and/or pay farmers NOT to plant, in order to bolster-read-that-manipulate market prices. 

Which, in a round-about-you-had-to-be-there kinda way, brings me to Gun Control. 

Gun Control presents an interesting variation on the Lucrative Circular Argument paradigm in at least one regard.  Generally speaking, the Gun Guys are not effete.  Which begs the question, what’s the problemo? 

In those of the taxpayer-funded facilities that still have textbooks, “we” familiarize our young ‘uns with our Constitution in Middle School.  Middle School.  Teenie Boppers.  This is not rocket science.  In fact, I will go out on a limb and suggest that the only thing that IS rocket science is rocket science.

Our Constitution is unambiguous in ensuring our right to Bear Arms.  Moreover, our founding principles unambiguously COMMAND us unto vigilant defense of same, including by force if need be.  Does or does not “defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic” ring a bell?

Is anyone unclear about the foreign/domestic dichotomy? 

Alrighty then, here’s the deal.

I need protection.  I need weapons.  My country needs protection.  My countrymen need weapons.  It is sad, scary, outrageous, take your pick.  Until rather recently, it was unthinkable.  But it is NOT complicated.

I declare my belief that among those who champion Gun Control, we not only have Traitors positioned in our midst, we have Traitors positioned in power.  That there’d be whatcha call Enemies Domestic.

I’m not saying that every Anti-Gun Activist is a Terrorist.  God KNOWS that Do Goodery is one of the few surpluses that America steadily runs.  Ill-advised, ineffectual, inefficient Do Goodery, you bet – we have so much of it we could EXPORT it, and we do.

But I AM saying that some of those Anti-Gun Activists ARE Terrorists.  In particular, the ones who are labeling dissidents as terrorists are Terrorists.  I declare my conviction that we have Traitors in government.

Which is why I and FIFTY-THREE MILLION other single women need guns.  Moreover, because we are inexperienced, and because threat is so nigh upon us as to have its own color scheme (that constitutes a commitment in Girl World), we need semi-automatic guns.

American single women are UNMISTAKABLY citizens upon whom stronger, meaner, armed predators regularly inflict assault, rape, murder and assorted carnage.  If we are not entitled to sidearms, semi-automatic weapons and concealed-carry permits, then Washington High Flyers can henceforth roll without Secret Service and other extraordinary taxpayer-funded protection. 

Barack Obama has enjoyed a bigger, costlier, taxpayer-funded Secret Service bubble since earlier in his campaign than any presidential candidate in our history.  Why?  Because he apprehends danger, that’s why. (And because he is a Spender Extraordinaire, but that is a separate obscenity.)  I ALSO apprehend danger, and I have been here longer than Barack Obama.

Some of us are NOT more equal than others, or some of us ARE more equal than others .  Which is it?  Why are Barack Obama’s wife and daughters better protected than me?  Greatness by association?  Let us bear that in mind, then, when it comes time to assigning Guilt.

I cry foul.  

I cry discrimination of the basest order. 

American government unabashedly declares the lives of its “official” members and the lives of the official member’s family members to more valuable than other people’s lives.  Where is the normally abnormally noisy Sanctity of Life crowd?  I spy cowardice and/or hypocrisy.

Remember when we were young and sibling rivalry/torture/mayhem got outta hand?  Ultimately, an adult would march in and, drowing out a whiney flurry of he-did-this-she-said-that, announce that they didn’t care WHO started it, THEY were finishing it.  My sentiments exactly, on Gun Control.

What’ll it be?  Gurlz ‘n Guns, or an ACLU-caliber, class-action lawsuit mounted by Baby Boom Women?  I would remind those with a pronounced tendency to disregard facts that dispute their theories of these simple truths:

Baby Boomers = largest conceptual demographic ever born in America.

Sustainedly,, # of women born > # of men born AND # of surviving women > # of surviving men.

Ergo, # of Baby Boom-read-that-Menopausal Women = THE voting bloc to court.

I guaran-effing-tee that tens of millions of Hot Flashes will put a whole new spin on Firefight.

Fright Makes Might

Friday, March 20th, 2009

Congress and Barack Obama are so far out of line with their 90% tax on A.I.G. bonuses, and the Americans who are applauding on the sidelines are so effing stupid and/or shortsighted, that it seems incumbent upon me to forge my own way.  The trademark perversity of American politics logically extrapolates to the people’s increasingly seeking permissions after the fact, whereupon payment of fines may be cheaper than compliance with permits.  It is not inconceivable that an after-the-fact request for permission may be coupled with a request for bailout.

An obvious problem with levying punitive taxes on a capricious ad hoc basis is that the very same methodology can be used on anyone who doesn’t tow the line.  Retroactivity is a special touch.  Like torture.  Another obvious problem, as ever, is the Moral Hazard.  I have postulated right along that we are squaring off with a Confidence Crisis rather than a Credit Crisis.  How much worse, I ask, if contracts are seen as unenforceable upon Congressional or Presidential intervention?  

Na-na-na-na-na, you ar-re screw-ewed.  We don’t have to fulfill our contract — Congress said so.  Yeah, China oughtta go for THAT.

The silver lining of this tarnished golden parachute is that we can legislate 90% taxation on the salaries that our many professional campaigners collected whilst campaigning for jobs other than the jobs that we were paying them not to do.  Two-plus years’ worth, in the oh-so-special case of Barack The One Obama.  

Pony up, dudes and dudettes.  It is one thing for our Roman Senators to vote that women shall not yet receive equal pay for equal work.  It is quite another not to demand equal payback.  Equality has to start somewhere.

For a truly striking change, the kind that might inspire confidence in our markets and our morals, American Officialdom needs either to submit to the taxes, fines, penalties and proscriptions that they levy on the citizenry or American Officials need to get out of the Tax & Punish As Economic Stimulus business.

Congress OUGHT to have known about these bonuses before they granted Hank the Bank Paulson a blank check.  Certainly those contracts were already on company books.  It reduces to Congress not reading and/or not understanding the legislation that they rushed through over virulent public protest.  Did we not have a similar problemo with the Patriot Act?

Congress aggressively levels a slanderous charge of fiduciary malfeasance against Edward Liddy, an interim CEO who wasn’t even THERE when these offensive contracts were concocted, but is utterly unrepentant about its far greater blame.  Fiduciary malfeasance?  What about Chris Dodd and Barney Frank?  What IS our plan for dealing with Traitors?  Slap on the wrist, and a coupla billion bailout bucks?

EVERY Congressperson who voted for the bailout should likewise be taxed at 90% — beginning with portly, shady, tax-evading Charlie Rangel who, in answer to a journalist’s logical question about the derivation of 90% as a tax rate, joked that he figgers State & Local will take the other 10%.

What goes around, comes around.

In the Bible thumping terms that we also hurl on an ad hoc serve-our-purpose basis, the sins of the fathers will be visited upon their sons.  But then, in another tardy nod to equality and justice, American sensibilities are ripe for holding that the sins of both mothers and fathers shall be visited upon both sons and daughters.  Bipartisan Blame.

This is harsh but fair.  After seizure of ill-gotten gains and incarceration in federal penitentiaries, the greatest conceivable deterrent against repeat of this financial clusterfuck is collective resolve that henceforth if family is at the table, family is on the table.

In that vain vein, let us also initiate aggressive taxation of Mega Estates.  Some of our biggest Assholes are on the back nine, and America will do itself a Halliburton-big favor by not permitting our Conscienceless Uber Rich to bequeath warchests to their stroke-of-luck Trophy Children.

Cool Is As Cool Does

Friday, March 20th, 2009

Is Barack Hussein Obama cool, or what?

Is it not the absolute coolest to have a cool president who goes on the cool late-night talk show circuit?  Is it not cooler than coolest that he can both field AND deliver jokes about uncool stuff?  THAT is cool over and above the Call of Chill.

And how cool is THIS?  From a cool platform like Jay Leno’s stage in Burbank, adjacent to Hollywood, America’s uber-cool First Black President was able to share with a dispirited nation that his uber-pampered but uber-uber-cool daughters actually upped the ante on Chief Executive Cool by remaining unfazed by their aerial-tour, big-shot arrival in our nation’s capitol . . . focusing instead on whether the airborne presidential candy dish contains Starbursts.  [Plug for Mars, Incorporated here.]

[Political/Economic/Moral Sidebar-Slash-Disclaimer here, re: candy and pet food manufacturer Effem Foods (Thailand) Co., Ltd., "one of Mars, Incorporated's fastest growing businesses."]

People who object to off-color jokes about the Special Olympics are, in a word, uncool.  Uncool people need to lighten up and remember that Barack Obama DOES bowl funny and that the Special Olympics crowd probably ALSO bowls funny.  Just like they run funny, right?  Honesty bein’ the best policy and America bein’ fired up about change, if anything, our cool president makes it cool to be uncool — how cool is THAT?

People who think it is uncool for even a cool president to be brushing up on his crappy bowling skillz while the country he ostensibly leads is mired in war and depression are not only uncool, but unfun.  They likely did not crack so much as a smile when the Commander of Cool joked that, if b-ballers are throwing games in his favor, it might not be on account of His Royal Can-Jump Highness but, rather, in consideration of all those gun-wielding Secret Service guys.  Shirts ‘n Skins, you betcha.  Do NOT think of the tennis-to-basketball court conversion at Camp David as tantamount to the redecoration of Citi Group executive offices.  Think of it as Community Outreach.

Ask not what your cool president can do for you but how you, yourselves, can become more cool.  

Do not think of Volunteerism as working for free while G-Men fly high and tax and fine and spend and fly high and tax and fine and spend and fly high and tax and fine and spend.  Think of Volunteerism as mainstream media send-us-yer-photos proof that you are too cool to care about money.  YOU can’t be bought, no sir-ee. 

THAT has GOT to be the coolest of the cool.  Suddenly, as by Black Magic, it doesn’t matter if we’re fat and lazy or hip and self-absorbed.  Thanks be to God/Allah and the Cool One, we are ALL lower-case cool for setting aside the multiplicity of concerns that typically bog down the office of the presidency . . . focusing instead on the coolness of uncool people in uncool countries finally GETTING how cool we really are.

Who cannot salute the caliber of Cool that gets a NATO Summit meeting “out of the way,” like a pesky chore on a suburban To Do list, so it can focus instead on the universally heartwarming and uplifting prospect of securing an elite breed of no-shed canine for the uber-uber-cool First Princesses?  When future generations review our comportment during this epically challenging time, let them know that we did NOT buy into the insidious rationalization that extraordinary circumstances warrant infringement on human and civil rights.  Let posterity see how even allergic American children, even in a Worse Depression, were not deprived of their right to animal ownership.    

Cool is internationally IN and finally, thankfully, WE are cool.  

It just doesn’t get any cooler than that.

Fist bumps all around.

Colleagues Without Distinction

Thursday, March 19th, 2009

Congress would be a laughingstock, if any of this were funny.

My countrymen will kindly and promptly recall that members of Congress have presided over this clusterfuck of a Global Financial Crisis even as they have contrived to position themselves ABOVE the financial fray.  My countrymen will kindly and promptly desist permitting these pretentious, extravagant, inept, corrupt Roman politicians to position themselves above the Blame fray.  

Members of Congress who presided over this clusterfuck of a Global Financial Crisis even as they contrived to position themselves ABOVE the financial fray refer to one another deferentially as Distinguished Colleague.  Congress doesn’t have Distinguished Colleagues.  Congress has Nincompoops, House Niggers and N’er-Do-Wells.  

I apologize in advance for my language but . . . FUCK CONGRESS.

Then — mea culpa, mea culpa for political incorrectness — I am obliged to draw attention to the bizarre juxtaposition of the American people’s laissez faire morals and their incredibly short memories.  Incredibly Short Memory is sometimes cited as the definition of the -ism of Alcoholism.  We are NOTHING, if not a nation of addicts.  

While Congressional nincompoops and bullies rake A.I.G. CEO Edward Liddy over the coals for the payout of bonuses which were established by contracts executed before his arrival at the company, I will thank those public sycophants AND our miserable selves to recall that Congress knowingly issued a blank check for the Bailout Bonanza.

I will remind our public sycophants and our miserable selves that the offensive executive bonuses were ALREADY on the books when our shitty shitty Congressional “representatives” RUSHED to legislate the most extravagant and least supervised spend-a-thon of all time. 

There they all were, jockeying shamelessly for the television airtime on C-SPAN.

Representative-I-use-the-term-loosely Nancy Pelosi of California, Speaker of the Brothel . . . who is A.) a moron and B.) the poster bitch for way-too-tight face lifts.  QUESTION: Do the Painted Ladies of Congress declare their expensive skin care treatments and products as tax exemptions?

Representative-I-use-the-term-loosely Steve Israel of New York . . . according to Wikipedia, “In his four terms in Congress, Rep. Israel has secured more that $83 million in federal appropriations to strengthen and expand Long Island’s economy.”

Representative Gary Peters of Michigan . . . who sort of seems like an okay guy and who did not produce a scandal on the first google search but who DOES list his previous occupation as a FINANCIAL CONSULTANT.

Representative-I-use-the-term-loosely Charlie Rangel of New York . . . who swaggers like a Carpetbagger under a BIG BLACK cloud of corruption charges, chiefly of the monied variety.  

Steny Hoyer of Maryland . . . who interned for Senator Brewster in the 1960’s with none other than Speaker of the Brothel Nancy Pelosi, behold what a small world, and who DARES to chastise A.I.G. for abusing the American People after we “stepped forward to help AIG.”

I don’t know about the rest of my weenie countrymen but I did NOT “step forward” to help A.I.G., or any other of these lying, cheating bastards.  I, for one, wrote often and loudly against this shameless Wall Street Welfare.  I, for one, wrote often and loudly about what amounted to an engraved invitation for GROSS graft.

The reckless and offensive executive bonuses that top the news as news WERE ON THE BOOKS WHEN CONGRESS GAVE HANK THE BANK PAULSON A BLANK CHECK.  

I apologize for my language and for repeating myself but . . . FUCK CONGRESS.

And, frankly — SOMEONE has to tell the truth — FUCK YOU if you are among the Weenies who are prepared to let this bedroom farce continue.

Snakes R Snakes

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

The seventeenth of March marks the day
When St. Patrick drove snakes to the sea.
When political serpents slither and stray
The guide for good riddance is History.